


Paint It

by Robron101



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aggression, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Discussions of biphobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentions of Rape, Multi, Therapy, art therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2018-12-04 06:24:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11549349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robron101/pseuds/Robron101
Summary: When it comes to art, it's important not to hide the madness. - Atticus----Aaron decides to try a new form of therapy and finds himself working through his issues one by one.





	1. Jackson

**Author's Note:**

> I've tagged this as Aaron and Robert because it will focus around their relationship a little later on. Aaron's interacting with everyone as he works through things.

Aaron's a mess of emotions, has been for months since him and Robert split. He's been through counseling - working on his aggression and self harm, hurting himself when he feels guilty. It took him ages in therapy to figure out why he'd started this time, the real root of his problem. His counselor was patient but after a while realised that “talking it out” wasn't going to the best option for Aaron. She suggested - while he continues to see her - to see another therapist as well, one that deals in a different form of therapy. Art therapy. 

At first he'd taken it like a joke but soon realised it wasn't. She hadn't been wrong last time, about finding a way to get out his aggression through healthy means instead of being physically violent with those he loves. She suggested boxing which Aaron had immediately agreed with. He's always been better with fists than words. It had helped tremendously. He felt calmer, less volatile and was able to see and understand problems without a red rage clouding his mind. 

So he agreed to the art therapy. At first it was one on one sessions where the his new therapist, Dr. Hampton, would have him draw or paint his emotions or a problem he was having that he needed to solve for that day. Then she started having him draw or paint people. The first person he painted was Chas. 

There was so much he had inside about his mum. He painted her as a warrior, then as a princess, as someone to be pitied, evil, and an abandoner. Then he painted her as he really sees her: his mum. It was a combination of all the other portraits he'd made of her but in it, she's stayed instead of left him. 

He doesn't tackle Gordon at first. When the therapist suggests him since he'd done his mum, Aaron panics. It's one thing to talk about Gordon and what he'd done, it's another to have it painted on paper for the world to see. Dr. Hampton agreed that it was best to wait and talk with his counselor before they tackled Gordon. He agreed. 

Next they did Adam. He was easy. Loyal, kind, strong. Sometimes Aaron's rock when he had no one else. He's the only person Aaron's never felt abandoned by. He painted him as he loved him, as he cares for him. He painted him as a cheater, because he had been, but underneath all the artwork and brush strokes he realized something. He still loved Adam, probably always has. But the love he feels for Adam is different from when he was younger. He doesn't dream of spending his life with Adam, he dreams of just keeping Adam in his life. Always.

After those sessions he's never been more grateful to have such a wonderful best mate. 

Next is Liv. She's fun to paint. He feels lighter after each session. He paints her as he sees her. Someone strong willed, funny, angry and sometimes sad. He paints her five times, the last one he told his therapist he couldn't paint her again right now. He had painted her that day in court, when she took the stand against Gordon. He didn't feel as happy afterwards.

After Liv he tries to paint Robert but can't. The therapist doesn't push and Aaron doesn't bring him up again.

****

“How are the sessions going, Aaron?” Chas asks, she always does. Aaron gave her the portrait he made of her as he sees her. She'd cried and told Aaron she didn't know why, but he thinks she lied.

“Fine,” Aaron gruffs. They never discuss his sessions. He likes them to be private. 

“Well I prefer you painting to boxing. Painting’s not going to paralyze you.” Chas let's the last word drop off, realising what she just said. Aaron brushes it away, not wanting to get into that and walks away. 

He paints Jackson at his next session. 

****

“Who is he?” Dr. Hampton asks. 

“My first… everything.” 

“You've painted him dead,” she points to the corner of the canvas. He'd done a collage of sorts, different faces of Jackson. The last one he was dead. 

“Because he is. I killed him.” 

“Meaning?” 

“He asked me to help him commit suicide and I did. I killed the first person I ever loved. What's that say about me?” He gave a self deprecating laugh.

“I don't think it says anything about you,” Dr. Hampton says. “I think it says he was selfish and asked you to do something a person should never ask another person to do.” 

“I had someone tell me once it was my fault. That his accident,” he points to where he'd painted Jackson in hospital, “was my fault.” 

“What happened to him?” 

Aaron points to another part of the canvas. He's painted a train there heading for a car. “He was hit by a train when trying to answer his phone. I was the one calling him. It was my fault. Jackson wouldn't have been hit if he hadn't been trying to answer his phone to talk to me. All because I was too much of a coward to tell him how I really felt. That I loved him. He ended up paralyzed from the neck down and later asked his mum to help him die, when she couldn't he begged me to do it and I did.” 

“And it's your fault because you caused Jackson to try and answer his phone? You made that choice for him to take focus off his driving to answer his phone?” 

“Well no…” 

“Were you conducting the train that hit him?” 

“No,” Aaron sighed angrily. 

“Did you intentionally try to bring any harm to Jackson?”

“No!” 

“Then how is it your fault he had the accident?” 

“I'm the one who called,” Aaron almost shouted. “I distracted him! Me! All because I was too scared to tell him I loved him!” 

“But you didn't know that calling him would cause the accident?” 

“Of course not.” Aaron gave a long suffering sigh. 

“Then you didn't cause the accident. Jackson made the choice to reach for his phone when he could've easily let it gone to voicemail and called you back later. It was his choice, Aaron. You didn't cause the accident and you didn't kill Jackson.” 

“I helped though. I held the cup with the pills in it while he drank. That's on me!” 

“When you did that, at the time, did you think you were doing the right thing?” 

Aaron thought about that. So many people were angry at him for what he’d done, but at the time…. No. He knows he made the right choice. Now he's not sure anymore. “At the time, yes.” 

“Then why don't you think that way now?” 

A voice that isn't his own voices his reasoning in his mind for him. _Because you're bad, a bad little boy like always. I knew it. Your mum knew it. It's why she left you with me. Jackson knew it too. Couldn't wait to get away from you._

“Because I'm bad,” Aaron shrugs, biting down on the inside of his lip until he tastes blood. “I'm just - I'm a bad person.” 

“Who told you that?” 

“No one had to tell me,” Aaron didn't look at her, “I just know it.” 

“I don't believe that,” she said gently. “I think you're the type of person who takes words to heart. Someone must have put that into your head because as far as I can see, you're not a bad person, Aaron. And trust me, I'm a good judge of character.” 

Aaron wasn't sure he believed her. 

****

“Did you ever blame me for Jackson?” Aaron asked Chas later. “Did a part of you look at me differently?” 

Chas is quiet for a moment, thinking before speaking so what she says isn't misconstrued. “No. I just, I was angry but not at you.” 

“Meaning?” 

“You were asked something that if Jackson really knew who you were, would've realised how much he was really asking of you and that you couldn't do it. Not really.” She paused before going on. “You're not a selfish person Aaron but you're empathic, always have been. When someone's hurting, you hurt, especially if you love the person. I believe Jackson played on that, your mental well being be damned.” 

“I loved Jackson,” Aaron whispered, tears spring to his eyes and throat going tight. He didn't know if he could admit what he needed to. “But a part of me… a part of me really hates him for asking me to do that.” 

“Oh love,” Chas gathers Aaron up in her arms, kissing his forehead. “It's okay. It's okay to hate him for that.” 

“Is it? I feel like doing that makes me worse!” 

“Aaron you're not a bad person,” Chas says it with a promise in her voice, but it's hard to argue when Gordon screams differently inside his head. “You don't have to carry all this guilt and self loathing for no reason. Jackson wanted to die, that's on him, it was his choice.” 

“But I helped!” 

“But you didn't force him to kill himself. Jackson did that all his own. You're not a murderer, Aaron.” 

“I feel like I should've been punished as one,” Aaron admitted. 

“Don't you feel like you've punished yourself enough for it?” 

And that… Aaron didn't have an answer for that.


	2. Paddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who is he?” Dr. Hampton asks after she exams his new paintings. It had been a week's work of different ones, but they're all of the same person. 
> 
> “Paddy,” Aaron shrugs. 
> 
> “You have a great respect for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh sorry for the wait, busy days and stress. I'd blame it on writers block but it's really just me being lazy and anything Robron tends to depress me now.

“Who is he?” Dr. Hampton asks after she exams his new paintings. It had been a week's work of different ones, but they're all of the same person. 

“Paddy,” Aaron shrugs. 

“You have a great respect for him.” 

“He's sort of like my dad,” Aaron shrugged again. “My mum and him began dating for a while when I was a teenager. We even moved in with him for a short time. Then my mum cheated on him. He threw us out.” 

“How did that feel, being rejected by another person?” 

“That's the great thing about Paddy, he has a big heart. I had nowhere to go, my mum chose her new boyfriend over me. When Paddy found out, he took me in again. He didn't have to, I wasn't his responsibility, but he did.” He looks at Dr. Hampton, right into her eyes. “It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” 

“How hard was it to trust him? Accepting another father figure into your life after what your father had done to you?” Her eyes are trained on a painting of Paddy, his face swollen and bruised. 

“It was hard at first,” Aaron admitted. “I didn't really trust anyone but Paddy… he made me feel like I could trust him. I knew he wasn't like Gordon.” 

“What happened to him here?” She touched the corner of the same painting she'd been eyeing earlier. “It must be significant for you to have painted it.” 

“When I was coming out - or hiding who I was still - Paddy got worried about me. At first he thought I was dealing drugs, he dug a little deeper and found out I was going to a gay bar. When he confronted me, I-I snapped and attacked him.” 

“Why attack?” 

“He kept pushing and asking and I just, I felt so…” 

“Trapped?” Dr. Hampton supplied.

Aaron sighed loudly, “Yeah.” 

“Do you always lash out when you feel trapped?” 

“Normally,” Aaron shrugged. “Not so much since I started boxing. It helps get out my aggression so I don't snap.” 

“When did you start using violence to cope?” 

Aaron thought back to when he started getting into fights. He was around thirteen, during that time he was constantly trapped. Couldn't get away from Gordon and living in constant fear. Then when he was fifteen he hit Sandra because he _knew_ what would happen to him and that feeling of entrapment sent him over the edge and he snapped, hitting Sandra then being thrown out by Gordon. He hates that he hit Sandra, but he doesn't regret it. 

Maybe he hit the wrong person but it got him away from being trapped under Gordon's thumb. A voice in his head asks, _You sure about that?_ , and he knows that nine years later he's still trapped, this time in his own mind. 

“Aaron,” Dr. Hampton calls his name but Aaron's sinking down, breathing difficult and head swimming from the sheer panic. Going under with no way out. “Aaron, focus on my voice. Breathe deep in and out. One, two, three…” 

He can't breathe, can't focus. Trapped. Trapped. Trapped. Locked inside his own mind with Gordon, forever. 

It takes nearly thirty minutes to calm him down, Dr. Hampton taking it all in stride until he can breathe again. She brings him water and sits until he's able to speak. 

“I hit my step-mum, she was gonna tell Gordon and I knew I was in for it. I could _feel_ what he was gonna do to me and I lost it. She was there and I was terrified, so I hit her.” 

“What happened after you hit her?” 

“Gordon hit me back then threw me out of the house. It was the best thing he'd ever done for me.” 

“Doing that must have to taught you that violence was key to getting out of horrible situations.” Aaron shrugged, thinking she was correct but not wanting to admit it. “Hitting Sandra saved you from being molested by Gordon again,” Aaron flinched opening his mouth to change the subject but she barreled through, ignoring him. “But has violence ever helped you since then? It only led to you beating up a man who cared for you like his own son.” 

“No. It's not like I enjoy it!” 

“I never claimed you did, Aaron. But violence isn't a healthy coping mechanism. It does more damage than good.” 

“I know!” Aaron shouted. “If I could control my temper then maybe I'd still have a husband who wouldn't be having a baby with a woman he cheated on me with. If I could control myself I wouldn't have beaten up Paddy or Kasim or even Robert, but I did. I can't change that.” 

“No you can't change those times, but you can make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. You say the boxing helps?” 

“Yeah,” Aaron nods. 

“Good. Keep doing it, but also maybe find a way to work through problems without any violence. I know it may sound stupid but there are tools you can use to voice your issues instead of using yours fists to solve everything.” Dr. Hampton pats him lightly on the shoulder, moving away from the table she steered Aaron towards when he was panicking. “Talk to your counselor, ask her about ways of working through difficult situations instead of relying on violence. You may come to find it works better than you ever expected.” 

***

“Are you gonna drink that or just stare at it?” Paddy was standing next to Aaron at the bar, pint of lager in his hand and eyeing Aaron worriedly. Everyone worries about him, especially since him and Robert ended. Sometimes Aaron's thankful that so many people worry about him, other times he'd like to tell them to stick their worry where the sun doesn't shine. 

Aaron picks up his own pint and takes a gulp. 

“How's the art therapy?” he's as nosy as Chas. 

“I don't think I ever thanked you enough,” Aaron began after clearing his throat, “y'know, for taking me in.” 

“I wanted to,” Paddy shrugged. “And I definitely made the right choice.”

“I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble, Paddy. It couldn't have been easy to put up with.” 

“You weren't sunshine and rainbows Aaron, but it doesn't mean I loved you any less. You're an easy lad to love.” Aaron's throat went tight and he couldn't meet Paddy's eye. 

Gordon had told him differently. Said it was _hard_ to love Aaron. He knows he isn't the easiest bloke but he's not hard to love, not when he loves so easily, right? 

He felt tears sting in his eyes and made a hasty retreat into the back room, feeling Paddy's eyes on him as he went. He knew he wouldn't be alone for long because not three minutes later was Paddy joining him. 

“I didn't mean to upset you,” Paddy said cautiously as he took a seat next to Aaron on the sofa. “Whatever I said-” 

“You didn't upset me,” Aaron interrupted. “It's just… Gordon said it was hard to love me.” 

“And you're taking the word of a man - no, sorry - _monster_ over mine?” 

“It's just that he was my dad, shouldn't he have loved me?” 

Paddy was silent, weighing his words so they don't get misconstrued and hurt Aaron. “People like Gordon… I don't think they know or in his case knew how to love. He was truly a monster who was given the best son in the world that he didn't deserve. And I would do anything to make what he's done to you go away if I could. He threw away the best thing in his life, but guess what? I got you. Me. And I'm so lucky you came into my life, son.” 

Aaron didn't know how to speak in that moment. He's never been comfortable with declarations of any kind, but that one doesn't embarrass him. It makes him feel good, wanted, loved. Paddy has seen him cry many times so Aaron lets him see again and soon Paddy is pulling him into a hug, tight and fatherly. 

“Do you think Robert loved me?” Aaron said it so softly he wasn't sure Paddy heard. Aaron finds it surprising he asked that, because he didn't even know that was something he worried about, but apparently he does because he feels terrified of Paddy's answer. He patted Aaron on the back before pulling away. “Be honest with me, please? I can't take anyone else lying to me.” 

“Alright,” Paddy sighed. “I can't say whether or not he loved you, but I can say that I don't think Robert knows how to love himself.” 

“And that matters why?” 

“Because how can you love someone when you can't even love yourself?” 

Aaron doesn't know what to say that. He knows Robert's always been hard on himself, wanting to be the best and on top all the time. It shows in how he butted heads with Andy, trying so hard to outshine the brother whose shadow Robert got trapped in. Trying to be the perfect son for the ghost of a father Robert is still haunted by to this day. Even with Aaron himself, Robert constantly trying to prove his worth to Aaron - not only to Aaron but to all the Dingles. 

Aaron always thought that that's just who Robert is, an overachiever. He never considered Robert to be overcompensating so he could find a reason to love himself. 

“In my honest opinion, though: yes. I think in his own way Robert did love you. But that's my opinion. If you're searching for an honest answer then your only choice is to ask Robert himself whether or not he loved you. Are you ready for that conversation?” 

Aaron knew the answer to that before even thinking about it. No. He's not ready.


	3. Blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I saw them recently, looking like some happy family,” he spat the last word.out like it burned his mouth just to say it. “I walk around like it doesn't bother me but…” 
> 
> “It does,” Dr. Hampton finished for him. Aaron nods sharply, eyeing the ripped shreds of cloth on the ground. A scrap at his feet is one lone, dead blue eye. Aaron feels sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not factoring in what's going down with the whites and Robert. In this Robert has come to terms with becoming a father but him and Rebecca are NOT together, but I've written it like Aaron doesn't know that.

“You've painted your sister again,” Dr. Hampton comments as she walks behind Aaron, looking at the painting of Liv, standing in the barn turned gym and wearing Aaron's over sized boxing gloves with a huge smile on her face. 

They'd done that yesterday, Aaron had felt light hearted then entire time and wanted to relive that feeling through his painting. He believes he's done it justice. Liv always makes him feel happy, at least she does until she's making Aaron want to rip his hair out by the roots. 

“Yeah. We spent the day together yesterday and I felt like painting her again.” This time it isn't one of her in tears. Liv's tears always cut at Aaron's heart. 

“She must be a muse of yours because this is your best painting yet,” Aaron shrugged, embarrassed slightly by her compliment. 

“Thought it wasn't about my talent?” Aaron reminds her. When he first joined Dr. Hampton's sessions she'd told him it didn't matter if he couldn't draw stick people, she'd be able to help counsel him through any artwork he made. She wasn't looking for the next Michelangelo. 

“Just because I'm your therapist doesn't mean I can't appreciate fine artistry. She's beautiful,” she comments and nods her head towards the painting. 

“Yeah, she really is.” 

****

“What's that?” Liv asked excitedly as Aaron carried the covered canvas into The Mill. She was off the sofa and taking it out of his arms before he could even answer her. She removed the cover to see the painting underneath. Aaron held his breath as Liv went stockstill, either hating the painting of her boxing or loving it. Liv might wear her heart on her sleeve like Aaron but she can hide her emotions just as well as he can at times. 

“Are you gonna say anything?” Aaron asks after he can't take her silence anymore. 

“Can this go in my room?” She asks. 

“Yeah,” Aaron nods quickly, “if you want.” 

“Thanks,” she gives him a hug around the middle before dashing up the stairs with the painting.

Aaron can't get the smile off his face. 

****

Rebecca is a little over seven months pregnant. Belly swollen with life, he's seen Robert a time or two with his hand on the bump waiting to feel the baby kick. Aaron can't admit it out loud but every time it happens a part of him wants scream with rage at them. Remind them that he exists and that they ripped him apart inside and out. Remind them that their oh so _precious_ baby was made through adultery and lies. That it will never be truly pure. 

He feels cheated. Robert went on and on about he wanted nothing to do with her or that baby, and while Aaron knew deep down Robert would want it in the end, it doesn’t mean he feels any less betrayed. 

It feels like Robert has officially given up on them. 

A dark part of his brain wishes and hopes that every time Robert looks at his son he'll be reminded of what he lost. What he destroyed. 

He never lets them know. 

Instead he ignores the “perfect” family and goes about his business. Mustn't let them know how broken he truly is. That only means they win. 

****

Dr. Hampton has been staring at his new painting in silence. Aaron can't tell if she's judging him or not. He doesn't think so. It's not her job to judge him. But if he was in her shoes, he'd judge the hell out of himself for this painting. He'd probably be terrified of himself. 

They're violent in a way without being gruesome. 

It's obvious she's dead, no blood or gore, just empty blue eyes of a dead woman Aaron wishes sometimes was dead. Those times he wants to cut himself, the guilt of wishing that on someone too much for him. He's finding, though, painting helps. He hasn't self harmed in months. 

She's on her back, belly big and round like it is now with a lifeless hand over her stomach, no kicking from the inside either. 

Aaron has a sudden urge to destroy the painting. Ashamed of himself like never before for creating it. Before Dr. Hampton can stop him, he has the canvas in his hands and brings it down across his knee, smashing it. The canvas breaks and the linen rips, Aaron shreds the rest of it with his hands. 

He's panting by the time he's finished, throwing the broken canvas away from him and dropping to the ground. He pulls his legs up to his chest, tucking his knees under his chin. It takes a moment but Aaron finally feels the cold wetness of tears drying in his face. 

“What made you want to draw her and like that of all ways?” Dr. Hampton asked as she sits next to him on the ground. She didn't have to ask who was in the painting. They've talked about it before, what Robert and her did. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who he'd painted. 

“I saw them recently, looking like some happy family,” he spat the last word.out like it burned his mouth just to say it. “I walk around like it doesn't bother me but…” 

“It does,” Dr. Hampton finished for him. Aaron nods sharply, eyeing the ripped shreds of cloth on the ground. A scrap at his feet is one lone, dead blue eye. Aaron feels sick. 

“You know how they say life isn’t fair?” Aaron sees her nod out of the corner of his eye, “Well for me it’s like life decided mine was going to be ten times more unfair than anyone else's. First we’ll take away your mum then have your dad turn into a monster. Also you’re gonna be gay so your teenage years are hell as you come to terms with it and then the first man you love, yeah, we’re gonna take him away as well. You’ll also struggle through your other relationships without being able to make an emotional connection, but when you do find that one you want to be with, we’re gonna send him to you already engaged to someone else and all you’ll be able to be is his bit on the side while he struts around with his fiancee on his arm, acting like his life is perfect whilst yours falls apart. But no matter what, you won’t be able to stop loving him no matter what you do, and then finally we're going to give him to you because there’s only so much one person can take before they lose it. Now you’ve got him, there’s finally a fucking ray of hope at the end of a shit storm of a life you’ve lived and he’s promised to be with you forever, no matter how messed up you are, but oh wait, no! You’ve had it too good again so we’re gonna rip him away from you as well and give him to the person you hate most and let him have a family with her and every day you’ll have to see them and their beautiful blond son they created while you suffered away in prison!” 

Aaron felt exhausted after his rant, suddenly wanting to sleep for a few hours. It isn’t physical but emotional. Aaron’s never been good with letting his emotions out like that and doing it in one fell swoop, he isn’t surprised he feels like he could curl up on the the paint stained floor and nap. 

“How long have you been wanting to say all of that?” _Forever,_ Aaron thinks bitterly. He’s never said so much in one sitting and he’s never been good with talking about how he truly feels, but Dr. Hampton makes it easy. She doesn’t judge but guide him and Aaron finds it’s easy to speak with her. 

“Far too long,” Aaron admits. 

“Letting all that build up inside for so long must feel good to release it all,” Dr. Hampton says. Aaron shrugs, agreeing silently. “But you can’t really blame life for all your problems, can you?” 

“Why not?” 

“Because if we all blamed life for our problems then none of us would make it. We’d all hate life and give up.” Aaron thinks back to another dark moment in his life. Locked inside the garage, exhaust fumes filling up Aaron's lungs as he tries depart from this life and into the next. “Life isn't to be blamed, Aaron, our choices are. You made the choice to attack Kasim which lead to you going to prison. Your husband made the choice to cheat on you and not use protection. You made the choice to leave him all your own and he's made the choice to move on.” 

“I’ve never been good at facing up to my own choices. I'm afraid if I have to then I have to shoulder the blame. At least part of it.”

“And what do you think you're to blame for?” 

“Him cheating,” Aaron shrugged. “I know he made that choice but if I hadn't… if I hadn't been so horrible to him then he wouldn't have. If I could've controlled myself and gotten help instead of using drugs then it never would have lead to that. It's my fault.” 

“Have you ever considered not blaming anyone?” Dr. Hampton asks. “Placing blame or shouldering it doesn't seem to work, so maybe you should try forgiveness.” 

“I tried,” Aaron admitted. “I don't think I know how to forgive for this.” 

“Well, maybe you can find forgiveness another way,” Dr. Hampton suggests. She stands up and plucks a paintbrush from where it's resting next to the easel and holds it out to Aaron. “Paint through it and find forgiveness that way.” 

Aaron stares at the brush before tentatively reaching out and taking it from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated :)


	4. Kasim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot I was writing this, a commenter reminded me about it and I wrote a chapter.

“Who's this then?” Dr. Hampton asked as Aaron washed up the paint brushes he used. “Hold on, let me guess. He's been beaten up and he's also lying in a hospital bed, you've painted another man here in the picture and he's wearing glasses. There bars here like a jail cell. It's Kasim! Am I right?” 

“You are an odd doctor at times, Dr. Hampton,” Aaron chuckled. “Yes, it is Kasim.” 

“Now why have you gone and painted him?” She asked as Aaron dried his hands with some paper towels then went to stand beside her and look at the paintings. Kasim is the main focus, he’s got Finn in the background of the one where they’re at the hospital after Finn had told him about Kasim and then in another on the night Aaron had beaten up Kasim. 

“Well he was one of the biggest mistakes I’d ever made?” 

“Why?” 

“It got me landed in prison,” Aaron reminded her. “Of course he was one of my biggest mistakes.” 

“No he wasn’t,” Dr. Hampton said and before Aaron could shout about it she silenced him with her next words. “Did Kasim ask you to beat him up?” 

“Well, no.” 

“Did he hurt someone you love or force you in anyway to commit the battery against him?” 

“No,” Aaron said and fought from rolling his eyes. 

“Did he in any way make you do what you did?” 

“What does this have to do with anything?” Aaron sighed. 

“I’m trying to get you to understand that this man,” she points at the painted canvas, “did not get you sent to prison. You got you sent to prison. He wasn't your biggest mistake, you’re actions that night were the mistake.” 

“It’s all my fault?” Aaron asked, even though he knew the answer. “I was angry and drunk, I thought my fiance wanted to break up. I wasn’t in my right head!” 

“So why did Kasim get the backlash of those things? Why did your mental health, your choice to drink and your own anger cause Kasim to have you attack him violently?” 

“I get it!” Aaron snapped. “I did it myself, why does it matter. Either way, Kasim was the catalyst!” 

“What did he do to anger you so bad?” 

“He was hurting Finn and being homophobic, I couldn't stand by and let that happen.” 

“Aaron you are an out and proud gay man, no?” At Aaron’s nod she continues. “Okay, so I’m sure you’ve had your own homophobic slurs thrown your way, yes?” 

“Yes. I have, but what does it matter?” 

“Did you beat up those men who were homophobic towards you as well?” 

“No,” Aaron admitted. “I just ignored them.” 

“So why did Kasim anger you so badly to the point of an attack?” 

Aaron knew the reason, hates it so he doesn’t really want to say it outloud. Admitting that his own insecurities got the best of him makes him ashamed. But he's not here to lie or keep secrets, he's here to get better. “Robert, he uh, he’d just ended things. I’d caught him in a lie about Rebecca, he was spending time with her when he said he hadn’t been and I caught him up at her home telling her not to mention the time they spent together to me. I lost it and so did he, we fought and I threw it back in his face that he’d leave me for a woman.” 

“Why?” 

“When he was with Chrissie he treated me like I didn’t even exist unless he wanted sex, other than that I was persona non grata. He told me time and time again that having Chrissie wasn’t enough and he wanted me as well, but he refused to leave her for me. Robert always denied his sexuality, all the time it was ‘I’m straight, I’m straight’ even though he wasn’t and all I wanted was for him to admit he was gay, I thought if he did then we could work from there and it would be good. When he did come out finally, he came out as bisexual which to be honest I feel is another way of just keeping himself from accepting that he could really spend the rest of his life with a man, a way to have something to fall back on when he woke up and realised he didn’t want to be with man. You know,” Aaron begins, tears falling, his anger shooting up, “I really wish sometimes I could wake up one day and just be straight, get to live that normal life with a woman and children and no one would think it was wrong because it’s the “normal” thing to do. I don’t get that, but dammit Robert does and I hate it. I hate that he gets that and I don’t!” 

Dr. Hampton hands him tissues and before she can speak Aaron is again. “When he broke up with me, it hurt so bad. He used this excuse that he couldn’t make me happy, but he could. All I was asking for was for him to only want me, love me only and not lie constantly. That night I attacked Kasim he was being homophobic and it just reminded that Robert gets to go back to that “normal” life with a woman and I had to start all over again. I was so angry over it and I lashed out and attacked Kasim, and I landed myself in prison. It was my fault, I know, I just hate admitting it.” 

“Have you ever heard of biphobia?” Dr. Hampton asked. 

“No,” Aaron sniffled. 

“Biphobia is the same as homophobia except instead of people who are gay, people who are bisexual are discriminated against. Aaron I think you might be biphobic, and I don’t know if it’s because you don’t believe in bisexuality, you think they’re greedy or you just haven’t been properly educated but I do honestly believe you are biphobic.” 

“But I’m gay?”

“Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can’t be a type of phobic, that’s like a person saying 'oh my spouse is such and such race so I can't be racist' even though they can be. Anyone can be ignorant and that doesn’t make you a bad person necessarily, it just means you have to learn and understand. I’m sure Robert was hurt and felt discriminated a few times in his life, and who knows, maybe even you made him feel discriminated against. 

“I didn’t - I never thought that. I didn’t want to do that to him.” 

“Of course not, you love him. Robert didn’t ask to be bisexual any more than you did to be gay, and you shouldn’t be upset that it took him so long to come out - you more than anyone should understand how hard that is to do. You should’ve made him feel loved over it and shown how proud you were. Encouraged him to embrace his sexuality when he needed encouragement most. Robert’s bisexuality doesn’t make him greedy, it isn’t his way of trying to have another gender to fall back on when he’s through with men. He can’t help who he’s attracted to anymore than you can and he shouldn’t be shamed for it. No one should.” 

“I guess I’m this arsehole in this story, huh?” 

“Not an arsehole,” Dr. Hampton smiled kindly, “just misinformed. And that, Aaron, is coming from a certified bisexual herself.” 

Aaron’s eyes widened and Dr. Hampton laughed. “Now what I’m going to say next may hurt but it has to be said; Robert didn’t cheat on you on account of his sexuality, he cheated because he wanted to.” Yes, that did hurt. “He cheated because that’s the kind of person Robert is and that’s no one’s fault but his, and in the end he’ll be the one to have to face that he doesn’t know how to be faithful. Not you, not his bisexuality and not the people he’s cheated with, just himself and if he doesn’t like what he is or sees in the mirror then he’ll have to be the one to change.” 

“Like I have to change my views on bisexuality?” Aaron said. 

“Exactly. Robert’s sexuality isn’t a factor. I, myself have been in five relationships and never cheated once, three men and two women. I’ve never felt like cheating and my wife and I are very happily married going on four years and I’ve never felt like I wanted to cheat on her or the others. I’m happy in my marriage.” 

“I want that,” Aaron said sadly. “I think I had that, until…” He looked up at the paintings of Kasim. “Until _I_ screwed it up, well me and Robert.” 

“How well did you know Kasim?” Dr. Hampton suddenly asked. 

“Er… not well. Not at all, actually.” 

“None? Did you ever have a conversation with the bloke or?” Aaron shook his head. “No? You attacked a stranger? Has that ever happened before?” 

“Uh, yes. Once. About two years ago around Christmas I attacked a security worker,” Aaron shrugged, thinking back to when Gordon had come back around and he agreed to help Ross with some illegal things. 

“Why?” 

“Well I was doing stuff, that I won’t mention, and the guard came out of nowhere and I attacked.” 

“Did he provoke you?” Aaron shook his head no. “Was there any reason you did it.” 

“I was angry, over Gordon who’d just come back into my life and was winning my entire family over like he was a Christmas flippin’ miracle or summat. I think it was mostly at my mum for not seeing what a horrible man he was and what him being around was doing to me.” 

“How did you avoid jail time for that?” 

“He gave me an alibi. Gordon.” 

“That must have been difficult, accepting help from a man who raped you as a child.” 

“You don’t say,” Aaron sneered. “It was once again me doing something stupid because I was angry.” 

“Have you spoken to Kasim after the assault?” 

“No,” Aaron said, “why would I?” 

“To apologise? You did beat him up, I’m sure he would appreciate an apology.” 

“Or he could batter me right back?” 

“Maybe but don’t you feel like you should apologise?” Aaron glared at Dr. Hampton which prompted her to smirk at him. “Exactly. Our time is up by the way, over twenty minutes. Don’t worry, I won’t charge you.” 

“Thanks,” Aaron gruffed out. “Same time next week?” 

“I’ll be here with my primary colors and brushes.” 

Aaron grabs his hoodie that he removes so as not get paint on it and just as he’s about to leave Dr. Hampton stops him. “I forgot to ask, have you started painting Robert like we talked about?” 

“No,” Aaron lied. “Not yet.” 

****

It took asking Finn for Kasim’s address and a few free pints. Aaron’s about to brick it as he stands outside Kasim’s house, hand poised ready to knock. He knocks even though he feels like running. Luckily Kasim answers and not his dad. 

“You,” Kasim spoke, fear evident in his voice. “Go away or I’ll call the police.” 

“Wait,” Aaron begged, feeling sick that he caused someone to be that afraid of him. “I only came here to apologise, please hear me out.” 

Kasim froze from trying to shut the door in Aaron’s face and glared suspiciously at Aaron. “Why?” 

“Because you’re owed an apology. I took my anger out on you and I shouldn’t have. For that I am truly sorry.” The door opened and Kasim stepped out. “At least you healed all up.” 

“Did I?” Kasim lifted his head and along the underside of his jaw ran a thin light scar. “That’s where they had to do reconstructive surgery on my jaw after what you did. I had nightmares it was going to happen again. It took forever for me to be alright because of you. I didn’t even know who the hell you were, you just attacked me like a rabid animal.” 

“I know, and I can’t say I’m sorry enough. That night was one horrible moment after the next and I wish I could take it all back but I did pay the price. I went prison for what I did to you.” 

“Really? I - I didn’t grass you up. I mean I knew someone had called the police but I wasn’t aware of who or what had happened after just that someone had told.” 

“It was Finn,” Aaron said. “It’s what he thought you would have wanted so he told the police. I don’t blame him, what I did, it was really messed up.” 

“Why did you do it?” Kasim asked. 

“I was angry and scared, fighting my own personal demons and when I saw you fighting with Finn and heard the things you were saying I unleashed those demons on to you. I'm really, really sorry.” 

“You should be,” Kasim agreed. “Prison, huh? How was it?” 

“Awful,” Aaron said honestly, “scary, a nightmare I never thought I’d wake up from.” 

“I wanna say good but that sounds terrifying. Well, thanks I guess. For your apology.” 

“Thanks for listening to it. It means a lot.”

 

Kasim sighs. “At least I’m still pretty.” Aaron laughs as Kasim goes back inside. 

****

Back home after Liv had went to bed, Aaron changed back into his paint clothes and retrieved the key he has hidden to the second flat. He’s keeping it locked and storing the paintings he’s does at home in them. Today when Dr. Hampton had asked if he’s painting Robert yet and Aaron said no had been a lie. He’s been painting them since his session about Rebecca, Robert and the baby. 

He lied because he’s not ready to discuss any of it.. He keeps the flat locked because inside his heart Robert is still locked away and he’s just not ready to let either out into the world yet. 

He grabs a paint brush and continues.


End file.
